If someone asked you to explain Bitcoin, you might say something silly like: “It’s magic money that comes from the interwebz!” You wouldn’t be wrong, but also – that’s not right. Maybe. We don’t know. Let artificial intelligence (A.I.) try to explain. A.I. is, like, really smart. It can even call and make you dinner reservations (and there’s no way Google’s Duplex demo was heavily edited or that the restaurant had forewarning). It safely drives cars, too. Some tests say it’s about as smart as a six-year-old. You can even get a job in Bitcoin and blockchain, which is far better than being enslaved by our machine overlords. So now that we know A.I. is smarter than any human ever, let it explain Bitcoin! Did you know bitcoin is the most valuable form of electricity ever? Did you know you can "hash the code" to get bitcoin? Bitcoin is pizza calculus; did you know that, pretend-genius-with-a-tiny-human-brain? No, you didn’t, because A.I. is smart and you’re just… not. Also, your weak human body is prone to getting digital money viruses that live on your DNA and allow the CIA’s chief of transactions into your brain. This is why we need tinfoil hats made from expensive silver keyboards, you know. But the all-knowing A.I. brings up some interesting points, too. Is Bitcoin worth more than what your grandchildren might pay for chatlogs? If you forget you have a bitcoin wallet full of intangible currency, can it ever really be lost? Is Bob’s Pub really worth hashing for a good deal? If you visit the smallest mountain in China, will there be hills of cryptocurrency waiting for you? Can a murderer patent lives? Get your Wild Richards ready (easy, there) and check out the video below. It’s the most comprehensive, clear explanation of the randomly invented pretend-currency we’ve ever heard, and we’re ready to invest in whatever random coinage floats through r/CryptoCurrency next. Also, we're inventing the term 'machinesplaining.' Please clap.